Glowing Dads and Grandpas
By: Cheekyredhead
“My goodness Ms. Jones! You make the best cup of tea!” was usually the phrase my grandpa would start off with as he sat down to our “pretend tea party,” usually on the front porch in the shade.
I am not sure that he knew how much that one little phrase immediately made me feel grown-up and special but it did make me feel special. Very special. So much so that I actually contemplated changing my name to “Jones” and then when I got older I noticed anyone named “Jones.” I still do.
Little girls seem to “shine” when they are around a grandfather or dad and they show them any attention. I used to tell my husband that he had “special powers” and should he decide to use them for good—our daughter would perpetually glow. He would be famous. Unfortunately, he failed to see it as important.
From that small age, we women look to men to confirm we are good, beautiful, smart, and needed. If men only realized this! How many of us have heard a man say that if they could just understand a woman—they would have it made. They are clueless as to simple it really is.
Of course, many of us usually determine we do not “need” some man to confirm that we are beautiful, smart, or needed, but we admit it is nice. We move forward and “own” our lives, including others into our celebrations and successes. We also look backward and sometimes wistfully hope that, at some point, one of the men in our lives saw us glow.
My father, like many of my generation, worked long hours and we saw him late in the evening just before bed. We were taught to be polite—seen and not heard. On the weekends, we gave him a wide birth—so he could unwind. My sisters and I, we often stood to the side, wishing he’d notice us ... yearning to glow.
Ironically, I spent a large portion of my youth feeling like a failure. Not because I was one—but because my dad had not declared that I wasn’t one. He didn’t realize I needed that. I spent a lot of time wondering why I needed it.
Once at a business event, my dad introduced me to one of the businessmen he worked with and the man jumped up and shook my hand saying, “Your father is so proud of you! He constantly brags about you!” Tears leaped out of my eyes and I had to leave. A perfect stranger knew my father was proud of me before I did.
See ... men really are clueless. My dad was. He had no idea why I cried. Ultimately, I discovered that he brags about all of us. Imagine that. Our dad is proud of all of us. We had no idea ... we were clueless too.
My sisters and I measured ourselves against each other, something siblings normally do. I never felt I measured up against them. One was SO much smarter than me, the other SO much more pretty than I ever would be. None of us seemed to realize that we were special in different ways ... that we all glowed at times we never thought possible. We were clueless too.
Maturity brings with it some clarity. I see things differently than I did when I had such a narrow-minded vision of youth. I see my siblings differently now—I appreciate them each for who they are, proud of their accomplishments, and how smart and beautiful they are. There is no competition for Dad, we have our own husbands now—our very own men to make us glow.
Dad is no longer clueless. He has had time to reflect. He and I have managed to heal old hurts. Time has shown him those great powers to make people “glow.” He gave me a book recently, The Shack, and I read it cover-to-cover. That was a wonderful gift! With that book I gained new appreciation for the phrase, “I am particularly fond of you.” It is the phrase God would say to each of us if we chose to listen.
Now I say, “Dad, I am particularly fond of you too.” It feels so good to say that.
That was not easy to say. The thing is you see ... I have been clueless for a very long time ... clueless that my dad needed that same affirmation, that he is loved and needed. We had moved into our own lives, leaving dad or grandpa suddenly stuck in a place they never expected to be ... waiting to the side of our lives ... waiting for time to glow.
Mom says Dad has been a different man since he read that book, The Shack. She often thinks someone came and stole away her husband and left behind an angel. Dad is still Dad. He is just now aware of what is needed by every person, making efforts to make up for all the old “dull” moments and reveal the “glow” we need. Appreciation is the secret. Being particularly fond of you is at the center of it.
Dads and grandpas are not perfect. We are not perfect. Nobody is. Father’s Day is soon upon us. I hope to find that we all are shining, glowing faces ... each realizing how much we mean to each other. It is time to let those in our lives know that we love them, that they are needed, and that we are proud of them. It is time to glow and time to shine! You see ... I am particularly fond of all of you.
First published June 2009, divinecaroline.com
Chantelle
that is awesome !!!
1thank you CheekyRedHead
I really miss my dad and wish he was here.
2really beautiful...and yes every girls deseved to hear ''i love you'' and feel loved by her dad,unfortunately it doesn't always turn out that way,there are some dads who actually don't give a damn which is truly sad....beautiful story.thanks for sharing.
3children need affirmation from both parents.
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"I will marshal all the forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide." - In the Loop
My life was no where near "Brady=Bunch" and probably more disfunctional than most, but I think choosing to remember the good times rather dwelling on the mistakes, or more often the disappointments it best if you can do that.
Often our disappointments, the loss of a dream of what we expected, prevents us from having a future with people in our lives. I know if my sisters read this little story they'd say I was highly medicated when I wrote it--not within a realm of reality--but my father and I have worked out our issues with each other and they have not.
It is sad for me to see the relationship they could have if they did that.
5unfortunately hurts suffered at an early age have a long time to fester.
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"I will marshal all the forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide." - In the Loop
Although I am not a big fan of The Shack, I am in favor of things which effect good changes in people. Sometimes that takes things which we would not suspect.
7I too wanted my father to show me more tenderness, especially after my early years. He became increasingly important at work and busy and, as a consequence, things at home became less like I wanted them to be. As a result, I think that's why I followed in his footsteps in the same field. When I would visit, you could see the light shining in his eyes. It was worth it just to see that, even though I would have rather done something else.
My father mellowed tremendously before he died. He had always taught Sunday school but in the end when illness wracked his body, it was the simple things which gave him joy.
I remember once when the family was gathered all together, knowing that he was on heavy medication, I asked him last what he would like to drink at cocktail hour. He said he wanted a martini, a drink he often had after he came home from work when I was growing up.
At this point, standing behind him, knowing that the alcohol and the medications were not a good mix, I looked over at my mother for guidance. She merely raised her eyebrows but was silent. As I bent down next to his chair, trying to keep this private, I asked him quietly if he was really sure that was a good idea. He told me, "You know, they told me to cut out this and that and I did that. I got worse. Then they told me to stop this and that...and I got worse. Now I'm in a wheelchair and I can't move my legs and my hands are numb. What the heck else can happen to me?"
I blanched again and told him that he could die from a reaction. He looked straight at me and smiled broadly. "I already checked with my doctor and he told me I could have one... as long as I didn't make a habit of it....and I've been waiting all month to have a drink with all of you."
I made him a martini, English gin, 5 to 1, up, and with two olives. I marvelled at how happy the man was just to be able to toast us that day. It wasn't so much the drink as it was the fact that he got to do the simple things he once loved to do again. All of us understood that too.
It's funny, but I just remembered that I drink a martini the same way today. It's a nice way to feel his presence again.
he was blessed to have you
8***************
"I will marshal all the forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide." - In the Loop
Unfortunately my father was never in my life, died before I was born. My grandpa was always there for me. I called him "Pop" and most thought he was my dad. Many say I take after my dad---on the wild side---but I am okay with that. It does not mean I will repeat his mistakes. I learned from them.
Pop took me places I guess most girls never go to. The lumber yard, the pipe/cigar store, and I always went and watched him at the barber shop. I can't smell old spice and not think of him.
9Both my grandfathers died while my parents were young. My moms dad was killed while she was still an infant, and my dad's dad was a WWI casualty. My dad and I were never close. I would be hard pressed to identify anything that was just my dad and i except for a few hiking excursions. After WWII, not too many dads were involved with their children, they were way to busy trying to provide for their families. Most jobs gave you maybe a weeks vacation/year, and maybe 3 or 4 paid holidays. In my neighborhood the moms ran the house and the kids. If a mom felt a need to involve a dad, it was not because she was happy with one of us. In a kids life at that time the dad was the ultimate "hammer". You never got summoned by your father for "good news".
10That is true grandpa. I remember my dad saying "If you don't mind your momma and she has to tell me about it, you'll get double from me." We never went there.
Know that my dad is retired and has been through some life-altering and humbling experiences he has become a very different man than what he was when I was so small. My sisters cannot get past their own painful memories with him in order to find the good memories.
I spent a lot more time with my grandpa than I did with my dad when I was small. I miss my grandpa. He had a goofy humor and found the oddest things very funny. I am beginning to see the same thing in my dad.
As we get older we often find ourselves facing not only regrets but disappointments. Those disappointments can be so huge. In my own life I saw my parents dealing with the disappointments with their own relationships with their parents. I was so little I didn't understand what was going on then but I do now.
11My grandpa...his last act was to flush his false teeth, hearing aids, and glass eye down the toilet. That sounds awful but it really demonstrates his humor. Even though alzheimer's had stolen so much from him, he took his last stand, and tossed what he felt were his limitations all down the toilet. He knew he was not far from leaving and he meant to leave on his own terms.
My sisters could not understand why I refused to go see him the last year of his life, but as a medical professional I knew the man I loved was already gone. That man in the bed was only a shell. He wanted me to remember him as that ornery funny man that he was and that was the choice I made. I have many fond happy memories while they cannot get past the last images they have of him. I feel I chose wisely and he'd approve.
Watching my father during this time, now faced with his own reality that time is a limited gift, he began trying to make amends for the past. His great fear would be that none would attend his funeral and none would have anything nice to say. Of course that is exaggeration, he was not a bad guy, he was one like many of us--human.
12We gave each other forgiveness and built a new relationship. I wish my sisters would do the same. I will have many nice things to say but they will still be consumed in their pain. I can't make that go away.
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